Freako, Bizzaro

I have such a sweet husband. He won a gift certificate for a one hour massage, and gave it to me. Little did he know that it would lead me to the STRANGEST experience of my life!

I scheduled my appointment for 5pm. I got there a few minutes early, and met the therapist, Doris. Doris is 77 years old! She informed me that she had some sugar to eat a bit earlier, so she was a little wired. She had me sit down in her living room, and said that with my permission, she'd like me to use something. She said that it was very special and was divinely inspired. She handed me "The Bar". The Bar is a hunk of plastic with a magnet on the bottom, but it is "channeled to God, and has healing powers that will put you on your 'life's path'". I had a very strange feeling that at some point, the topic of discussion would turn to religion, and I suspected that if I told her I was LDS, she would laugh at me and tell me to leave her house. She put The Bar in my right hand, and indicated that I hold it flat for 5 minutes. She set the timer and sat 5 feet away from me (5 feet creates the best energy field, so I'm told). She said she wanted to tell me two instances in which this bar changed someone's life. FORTY-FIVE minutes later I'm still listening to this crazy woman ramble. I thought about just leaving, since it was already getting so late, but I wanted my massage, dangit!

She finally prompted me to the massage room. I got ready, and laid down. When she came in she checked my chakra. Have you ever heard of chakra? Yeah, I hadn't either. Chakra is an energy or life force. Your body has 7 chakras, and they can become clogged, and her job was to bring them back into alignment. Okay, so she was checking my chakra and informed me that my female chakra was clogged and I obviously wasn't being a very good wife to my husband. Ha!! I couldn't believe she said that! I seriously about died laughing. She obviously wasn't psychic, otherwise she'd KNOW that wasn't true. ;) Anyway, she unclogged my chakra, and the session continued.

Here are some of the things I remember her talking about:

*She's had 6 husbands, none of which are living anymore.
*Jim, one of her former husbands, still stops in to check on her every now and then. One of her clients actually saw him standing in her kitchen. He was wearing a suit and going through her cupboards.
*Everyone has a spirit guide. Her's was rude, so she asked for a new one. "You can do that, you know."
*She had a stroke about a year ago. After she'd collapsed on the floor, she had an out of body experience. A ball of lightning came from God, and entered into her female chakra (located near your uterus). It went up her body and into her head. It rolled around and around in her head, and then shot out her third eye chakra (in the center of your forhead). She was healed.
*She feels that she has another "partner" in life waiting for her. She's seen him in a vision, and he has dark hair and dark eyes. "But he's not Mexican. I've already been there and done that."
*"You have a very healthy and beautiful body. I typically get a lot of sickies in here."

Here's where it gets funny. She started talking about churches and asked me if I went to church. Oh dear, here we go. I answered, "yes", hoping she would just leave it at that, after the strange feeling I'd had earlier. She said, "Oh really? Which one?" At this point, I threw all caution to the wind, and proudly declared my faith and membership in the LDS church. She stopped what she was doing, but didn't take her hands off of me. She turned her head to the side, and started to chuckle. She said, "Oh, I was once a Mormon." ACK!!! She was ONCE a Mormon? She'd used a crystal to check my chakra, she had a pyrimid under the table to create energy, and now she was laughing at me and my faith. I suddenly felt less like a massage client, and more like a sacraficial object as I lie there on the table with nothing between me and her but a thin sheet!

I took a deep sigh of relief as she went on to explain to me that she'd learned some of the greatest things in her life and became a much better person because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. She told me of her conversion to the church, and her time as a member. It all seemed legit, with the exception of a few more "screw loose" stories. Her last husband was a former Catholic Priest, and insisted that she send a letter to Salt Lake to have her name removed from the records of the church.

At the end of the massage, she was quiet. She said that maybe someday she'll go back to church. "Maybe that's why you were sent to me", she said. I was flattered, but not moved enough to invite her to Enrichment with me. ;)

She waited in the other room while I gathered my composure, and said that she'd have a bottle of water ready for me when I got out. I got dressed, and went into the other room. She handed me a water bottle that she had OPENED for me. I thought, "Yeah. Right. And what did you slip in there?" I accepted it graciously and opted to just toss it in the garbage the minute I got home. Yikes. She hugged me, and sent me on my merry way.

I pulled out of the driveway at 7 o'clock, two hours after my scheduled appointment time. Did I feel refreshed? Heck no! All I could remember about what I felt the whole time was how thankful I was that I was lying face down with a head rest to hide all the freaked out expressions I had on my face.

Thanks for the gift certificate, Babe. ;)